I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
it glows. i had to have it.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
