I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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