im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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