Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
