I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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