I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
