I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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