my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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