My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
