he looks like a really good dad on facebook
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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