A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
