We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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