After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
