Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
why do cheetos always look like penises
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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