I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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