Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
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