I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish I only lived at night.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
