All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
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