honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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