Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
