Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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