We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
two words...techno handjob
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
