Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I could fuck to npr.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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