If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
