Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize