i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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