my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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