omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Welp...herpes.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
