I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
