On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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