What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
