Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
