Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
