Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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