A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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