i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
