if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
