so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
