My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
