I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
that is very illegal...i love you.
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