well I can't set my house on fire every night
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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