Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
