I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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