if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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