I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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