never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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