Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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