life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Who died my cat blue again?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
