he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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