Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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