Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
