I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
