how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
