i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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