How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
