I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
