Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i out mim tonsoeep
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
