You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
