Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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