when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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