My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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