I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
