I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize